What Does It Mean To Be An American?

Embracing My Sexuality

     Growing up I always felt like my life lacked freedom and equality, which are two of the main words that I would use in order to answer that question. Freedom and Equality is what i felt was missing as I grew up. But don't I live in America, the land of the free? Well being raised in America with a single Ecuadorian, traditional mother, I honestly never felt free to be who I wanted to be. I feel as though I should feel free enough to discover who I am without having to worry about fitting the social norms or fitting all of my mother's expectations. 

     Some of us know who they are, some of us don’t just yet, but in my case, I've always wanted to feel free enough to discover who I truly am, however, I’ve had to discover who I was in silence, behind closed doors. In silence because my sexuality was not exactly what my mother had in mind for me. My mother doesn't understand that gender is not important to me, man or woman, I fall for whomever my soul connects with. What matters to me is what the person stands for, what they are passionate for, how they carry themselves, and who they truly are inside. 

     Most people don't understand that about me, and honestly that is fine with me, but what I find difficult to deal with is how my mother reacts to her confusion. She takes it to heart as feels as if my sexuality is such a negative turn and that this disgrace as she calls it is her fault. 

      Due to my sexuality I have felt the lack of freedom and equality not just in American society but most importantly between my mother and I. The societal pressure and the family pressure; at times both almost took over me, I felt like both ate me up and spit me out but I was younger then, today my outlook on it has changed.

   The emotional or physical aspect of sexuality refers to the bond that exists between individuals, and is expressed through profound feelings or physical manifestations of emotions of love, trust, and caring. Notice how that sentence did not mention gender. My own sexuality has created bumps along the road for my family and I. 

       Throughout my younger years I was trying to hard to be  her perfect "daughter." My mother wanted me to accomplish all the things she couldn't. Sooner or later I realized that I was focusing so hard to be what my mother expected me to be, which made me lose focus on trying to discover who I was. Once i realized all this, once I accepted within myself that I didn’t want to fit her idea of who i should be, I yearned to discover who I’m, was, on my own terms. 

     One day I decided to dig deep and find the courage to tell my mother the truth about my sexuality. I told her the truth but just as expected, she didn't understand, and she had no desire to try to understand. It was a process. It still is all a process. I figured I needed to fight for my freedom to express myself. 

      I know its hard for her to accept who I am but what’s hard for me is to know that she thinks I am this way only to make her life harder to live. I want to know that even though it's hard for her to accept who I am, the love that she has for me overshadows the fear that she has, I pray that her fear never comes in between the bond I’ve worked so hard to create between us two. However, I need her to know that I’m no longer that little girl who wants to fit that perfect daughter role that she has tried to mold me into. I might not entirely know all of who I am yet but i do know one thing, that I am one who embraces my flawed self, every aspect of me whether it disappoints her or makes her proud, it is who I am. 

     I’m at a stage in my life where i no longer feel the need to entertain the pressure of fitting the Ecuadorian woman role that my mother aspires me to be living in America. I want to be the woman that my experiences mold me into. I want to be free to experience life in a raw manner, I want to learn from it all, embrace the knowledge and run with it. I don't feel the need to refrain from something that feels so natural to me. 

       We all have stories to tell, stories that provide wisdom about our personal journey's. By clicking on the following link, you will be able to get a little glimpse of my story, the story that pertains to my sexuality and the struggle that I've gone through and still am today. 

The link to "Embracing My Sexuality":  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uC5rO9vP3tA

    Sitting back and watching my own film, I can't help but feel proud of having the courage to face my fears of confrontation both with my mother and my father. I'm proud of the fact that I was able to open up about something that I kept quiet all my life. I feel empowered by the fact that my message was shared not just with those I love, but also with others. The fact that there is a chance that someone out there has the ability to watch this film and hopefully get a sense of hope after watching it is truly fulfilling.

"Embracing my own sexuality allows my spirit to run free, away from all the negativity." 

- Zully Galabay 

What does it mean to be an American to me personally? 

It means freedom, not only the right to strive for a better financial life but also having the freedom to express all of who you are.