What Does It Mean To Be An American?

Embracing My Sexuality

     Growing up I always felt like my life lacked freedom and equality, which are two of the main words that I would use in order to answer that question. Freedom and Equality is what i felt was missing as I grew up. But don't I live in America, the land of the free? Well being raised in America with a single Ecuadorian, traditional mother, I honestly never felt free to be who I wanted to be. I feel as though I should feel free enough to discover who I am without having to worry about fitting the social norms or fitting all of my mother's expectations. 

     Some of us know who they are, some of us don’t just yet, but in my case, I've always wanted to feel free enough to discover who I truly am, however, I’ve had to discover who I was in silence, behind closed doors. In silence because my sexuality was not exactly what my mother had in mind for me. My mother doesn't understand that gender is not important to me, man or woman, I fall for whomever my soul connects with. What matters to me is what the person stands for, what they are passionate for, how they carry themselves, and who they truly are inside. 

     Most people don't understand that about me, and honestly that is fine with me, but what I find difficult to deal with is how my mother reacts to her confusion. She takes it to heart as feels as if my sexuality is such a negative turn and that this disgrace as she calls it is her fault. 

      Due to my sexuality I have felt the lack of freedom and equality not just in American society but most importantly between my mother and I. The societal pressure and the family pressure; at times both almost took over me, I felt like both ate me up and spit me out but I was younger then, today my outlook on it has changed.

   The emotional or physical aspect of sexuality refers to the bond that exists between individuals, and is expressed through profound feelings or physical manifestations of emotions of love, trust, and caring. Notice how that sentence did not mention gender. My own sexuality has created bumps along the road for my family and I. 

       Throughout my younger years I was trying to hard to be  her perfect "daughter." My mother wanted me to accomplish all the things she couldn't. Sooner or later I realized that I was focusing so hard to be what my mother expected me to be, which made me lose focus on trying to discover who I was. Once i realized all this, once I accepted within myself that I didn’t want to fit her idea of who i should be, I yearned to discover who I’m, was, on my own terms. 

     One day I decided to dig deep and find the courage to tell my mother the truth about my sexuality. I told her the truth but just as expected, she didn't understand, and she had no desire to try to understand. It was a process. It still is all a process. I figured I needed to fight for my freedom to express myself. 

      I know its hard for her to accept who I am but what’s hard for me is to know that she thinks I am this way only to make her life harder to live. I want to know that even though it's hard for her to accept who I am, the love that she has for me overshadows the fear that she has, I pray that her fear never comes in between the bond I’ve worked so hard to create between us two. However, I need her to know that I’m no longer that little girl who wants to fit that perfect daughter role that she has tried to mold me into. I might not entirely know all of who I am yet but i do know one thing, that I am one who embraces my flawed self, every aspect of me whether it disappoints her or makes her proud, it is who I am. 

     I’m at a stage in my life where i no longer feel the need to entertain the pressure of fitting the Ecuadorian woman role that my mother aspires me to be living in America. I want to be the woman that my experiences mold me into. I want to be free to experience life in a raw manner, I want to learn from it all, embrace the knowledge and run with it. I don't feel the need to refrain from something that feels so natural to me. 

       We all have stories to tell, stories that provide wisdom about our personal journey's. By clicking on the following link, you will be able to get a little glimpse of my story, the story that pertains to my sexuality and the struggle that I've gone through and still am today. 

The link to "Embracing My Sexuality":  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uC5rO9vP3tA

    Sitting back and watching my own film, I can't help but feel proud of having the courage to face my fears of confrontation both with my mother and my father. I'm proud of the fact that I was able to open up about something that I kept quiet all my life. I feel empowered by the fact that my message was shared not just with those I love, but also with others. The fact that there is a chance that someone out there has the ability to watch this film and hopefully get a sense of hope after watching it is truly fulfilling.

"Embracing my own sexuality allows my spirit to run free, away from all the negativity." 

- Zully Galabay 

What does it mean to be an American to me personally? 

It means freedom, not only the right to strive for a better financial life but also having the freedom to express all of who you are. 

A Father

by: Bharati Mukherjee

  "A Father"  is a clash between Indian Traditions(old world) vs. Americanized approaches(new world). This story in particular I connected with the most because Babli's relationship with her dad is one that I feel I share with my own mother. Balbi can never be loved by her father because she doesn't represent his idea of what a woman should be. The only difference between Balbi's father and my mother is that my mother does in fact love me, however when it comes to my sexuality, it doesn't fit her idea of what she expects me to be. 

Balbi's father expects her to be not as headstrong or independent as she was, her independence scared him. The fact that i don't care about what society thinks, or what other family members would say about my sexuality and my life style scares my mom; she wishes I was "normal" enough to fit the social norms. 

Mr. Bhowmick, Balbi's father, and my mother share similar views when it comes to how they view their own generation's beliefs against the beliefs of modern day. Mr. Bhowmick was forced to apply for a permanent resident status in the U.S. by his wife, he didn't do it voluntarily. On the other hand my mother does not like to entertain the idea that we live in America and we are free to express ourselves. In her mind she believes that the way she was brought up is the way her children should be brought up, and the beliefs that she believes are the same beliefs that her children should enforce as well. 

Throughout the story, and throughout my life, a  clash between generations have been quite obvious.  Mr. Bhowmick griped his Indian traditions tight, just as my mother did with her Ecuadorian traditions and beliefs. Both my mother and Mr. Bhowmick have an idea of how things should be, and how one should perceive certain situations, which is all stemmed from what they were taught growing up. 

Personally I feel like as children we should definitely be guided, however once we have reached an understanding of self, we should be able to make our own decisions as to how to proceed with life. 

Balbi's father at the end of the story kills her baby that builds frustration upon him because he can't escape from the differences between the cultures in the U.S. and Ranchi, where he grew up. In contrary, my mother slowly dims my light of hope that I have of her accepting the decisions I'm making in my life, by constantly shoving her disapproval and threats to my face. 

"I'm curious about the world. I'm like a sponge, absorbing everything, and it all becomes part of who I am, what I can respond to." 

That quote hits close to home for me, and i feel like it relates to this for the fact that, Balbi and my self are human beings who want to know more about the world, today's world. I got the sense that Balbi, like myself, are curious about the unknown, we want to learn and find ways to adjust to the new findings. Through different and new experiences people in general learn new things about themselves that they might not have known if they did not take a new path. I am one to yearn for new experiences, I am who yearns to experience my life's journey without the pressure of negative remarks from those you love and care about the most. The freedom to discover what the world has to offer and what oneself has to offer to the world. 

SMOKE SIGNALS

A 1998 Film

 The film opens up with the most explicit theme in the film, which in my opinion is fire. Even in the title itself it alludes to the theme,  "Smoke Signals." Some children are not children at all, and they burn everything they touch. Some children are like ash, they crumble from a touch, which alludes to the emotional life of two children, as a result of this historic tragedy that pertains to the fire at the beginning of the film. Fire versus ash, plays a role in the story. 

        The film is a road trip genre, symbolizing an American development of identity by getting on the road and discovering oneself. Victor and Thomas go on a journey and throughout the process and different circumstances that they are confronted with, they find themselves. 

Thomas and Victor, the name's themselves lead to the distinctions within that metaphor as it's fleshed out. The children that are no children at all, that burn everything they touch, you would associate that with understanding Victor's emotional life. Thomas struggles to get a hold on anything, recuperating this tragedy in a desperate way. Both frustrated in different ways, however these are the results of that destructive national history. Thomas struggles to find himself and his Indian culture within himself in a mainstream frame of what it is to be an Indian. One is the optimistic individual and the other is wounded and in pain, though both take the trip in order to reach a happy medium of self discovery. 

In many ways, Thomas is the warrior, while Victor  is the child of ash. Even though on the surface it seems as though it's exactly the opposite. Which is what makes complicated their identities and defies the mainstream stereotypical notion of Indian identity that we have created ourselves within our minds. As Americans we perceive the warrior to be this tall strong individual, while the Thomas figure would be a story telling type of individual who could even be perceived as a feminized individual.

        The film itself is filled with metaphors and allusions layered upon each other that pertain to the idea of a road trip; a road trip that's related to a form of journey that one takes in life, or in other words the journey that Thomas and Victor took in order to discover themselves intellectually.